Am I doing the right thing?

So now I am sitting at a table and facing the laptop. I keep checking from face book to email. I am feeling bored and thinking what to do. I savor the ample time I now have and thinking about all the things that I could do with the time. However , it is darted by two realities that I am trying to avoid or shun by. I cannot run away and I am standing still like a ship giving it's all might to cut through the stormy waves. From far, one looks at the ship easily crushing through the waves but never occur in his or her mind that the ship actually is crying out loud inside (from the engine). Similarly, I feel myself like that.

Two realities set an uncertain and wearisome heart. One, I still have not accept the truth that my brother is suffering from acute myeloid leukemia because it happened so quickly in three days. How did I feel when I first heard of the news? My first response was definitely shock and second, although I may not understand the situation, I humbly accept the truth and that there is reason behind everything. I truly believe there is no coincident and things happen the way it is already willed. I let it be. Over time, I become more restless and frustration agitated my sense of hope and peace...to only now I come to question...I am not blaming Him but being an understanding friend...I pour out my lament...why why why? Is it fair and what are You trying to do? Please understand...this is never a blaming game but a heart of a disciple Jacob yearning to seek Him and asking for truth....yet the Lord never forsake him and accept his lament as a true loyalty and faith.... hmm.. how to say ... read the book for yourself in the Bible.

Nevertheless, I am putting aside the thought that seeing my brother in his weak state and motionless body, I want to be strong for him. Despite of the unfairness, I putting on a breast plate of love ...in time like this, smile and support is what he needs. I love him too much that my heart acts to see him going through chemo treatment. My brother is a lovely strong and tall boy (he is always the 10 year old boy in my heart).Everyday I tell him that I love him and God is with him all the time. Then..having that said, I feel it is not enough. Easier being said, harder when done.

As I am writing here from laptop, I am thinking if my heart is ready to see him.
As I am writing here from laptop, I still couldn't believe what I did today.
Half day at work, tender in resignation letter in 10 minutes, no goodbyes (one or two to closes colleagues), rushed for a job interview, wrap up everything in apt, dumped clothes into luggage,not a chance of bidding goodbyes to my housemates,left the apt, rush to see my sister before she left for hometown to celebrate Chinese New Year (did I just say Chinese New Year?), now sitting here. ...fuh I can breathe now~~ n I recall Elisa saying ' Take a break ' . Those who know me, I am used to it and the fact that I did everything in a day, is that time I felt more determined and completely sure of what I want to do.

Tomorrow I will be in KK...countdown 17 hours .. to the hospital. All I wanna do is see him......

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